Life Changing Heartache
One year ago I had to make the hardest decision thus far in my life. It was truly life changing. After much counseling, prayer, and heartache I made the ultimate decision to end my five year relationship. I really can't say enough good about our relationship. He was the support and rock when I needed it the most. He helped me through some very tough times. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him.
The thought of "when love isn't enough" flooded my mind over and over as I dwelt on the decision. A year after his marriage proposal we weren't any closer to getting married than months before he asked. The proposal was kept between myself and close family for reasons I will keep to myself. Deep within my heart, although I tried denying it, I knew we wouldn't get married.
The other day I wrote about my epilepsy and how it effects my life. This is one of those situations if effected. Nothing would ever change my future medical insurance and bill situation. Within a year we would have been in an forever deepening debt situation. That was just an undeniable fact. Again, there were other small things that were keeping our relationship stagnant, those too are personal. I won't write on those things.
The entire week I was sick. I had at least three clusters of absence seizures. I couldn't eat. My family was very worried about me. I remember my mom asking me a few times if I had thoughts about hurting myself. To be honest, for a split second one day I did. That was a horrifying thought, so much so I didn't go back into my sewing room for a couple weeks. The thought scared me, I had never felt that way before nor since.
I remember the day the decision was solidified in my mind. There is a foot stool in my guest room, I sat on my knees for hours praying. I remember crying saying "God, I need to feel You like I have never felt You before. I need to feel Your presence holding me. I need to feel You. I need the peace for this decision. I need You." I really can't remember how long I was there praying because sometimes words wouldn't come to mind through the tears, but I remember this overwhelming feeling as if I was being held tight coming over me. I know it was the presence of God. I could feel Him like I have never felt Him before or since. It was as if He was in the room giving me a hug. I can't put into words how comforting that was. In that same moment, I knew I had to end our relationship.
Goodness, I loved my boyfriend. I have never loved anyone like I did him. I'm honestly not sure I will ever love that way again. There is an gaping hole that he use to fill. Although it has been a year, sometimes the loneliness and missing him is overwhelming. I really wish I didn't have to make that decision. Looking back, I know it was right. Sometimes it's better to follow the head rather than the heart. I still remind myself of this from time to time. I miss him. This was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with and just with a few words it all changed.
We had a date day set aside every week. We would spend eight plus hours together. That day when he got to my home, he knew something was wrong. All week long I managed to hold myself together