Life Changing Heartache
One year ago I had to make the hardest decision thus far in my life. It was truly life changing. After much counseling, prayer, and heartache I made the ultimate decision to end my five year relationship. I really can't say enough good about our relationship. He was the support and rock when I needed it the most. He helped me through some very tough times. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him.
The thought of "when love isn't enough" flooded my mind over and over as I dwelt on the decision. A year after his marriage proposal we weren't any closer to getting married than months before he asked. The proposal was kept between myself and close family for reasons I will keep to myself. Deep within my heart, although I tried denying it, I knew we wouldn't get married.
The other day I wrote about my epilepsy and how it effects my life. This is one of those situations if effected. Nothing would ever change my future medical insurance and bill situation. Within a year we would have been in an forever deepening debt situation. That was just an undeniable fact. Again, there were other small things that were keeping our relationship stagnant, those too are personal. I won't write on those things.
The entire week I was sick. I had at least three clusters of absence seizures. I couldn't eat. My family was very worried about me. I remember my mom asking me a few times if I had thoughts about hurting myself. To be honest, for a split second one day I did. That was a horrifying thought, so much so I didn't go back into my sewing room for a couple weeks. The thought scared me, I had never felt that way before nor since.
I remember the day the decision was solidified in my mind. There is a foot stool in my guest room, I sat on my knees for hours praying. I remember crying saying "God, I need to feel You like I have never felt You before. I need to feel Your presence holding me. I need to feel You. I need the peace for this decision. I need You." I really can't remember how long I was there praying because sometimes words wouldn't come to mind through the tears, but I remember this overwhelming feeling as if I was being held tight coming over me. I know it was the presence of God. I could feel Him like I have never felt Him before or since. It was as if He was in the room giving me a hug. I can't put into words how comforting that was. In that same moment, I knew I had to end our relationship.
Goodness, I loved my boyfriend. I have never loved anyone like I did him. I'm honestly not sure I will ever love that way again. There is an gaping hole that he use to fill. Although it has been a year, sometimes the loneliness and missing him is overwhelming. I really wish I didn't have to make that decision. Looking back, I know it was right. Sometimes it's better to follow the head rather than the heart. I still remind myself of this from time to time. I miss him. This was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with and just with a few words it all changed.
We had a date day set aside every week. We would spend eight plus hours together. That day when he got to my home, he knew something was wrong. All week long I managed to hold myself together when we talked, although after we said goodnight I would cry myself to sleep. He had no idea what was going to happen when he arrived. We sat down at the kitchen table and I took his hands in mine. I can't remember the exact words I said, but I do remember his. At first he had the look of unbelief, he said "Are you breaking up with me? Are you joking?." My tears said I wasn't joking. It took awhile for it to sink for him. At one point, he asked did I thought he was going to leave slamming the door behind him in anger. I honestly had no idea how he would react. After all we had been together five years and I was doing this to us. I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. When he realized it was really happening the tears started streaming down his face. I had hurt the man I loved. I broke his heart, it was breaking my heart even more. I stood up beside him and held him close to me. I remember whispering "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I'm so sorry" over and over again. At one point through our tears, he looked up at me and said "You are the first woman who broke up with me and tried to comfort me." I don't remember what I said, but I know I was thinking what else would I do. I love you. I hurt you. I want to try to comfort you.
After what seemed like days, I said told him it is time leave. I remember wanting to kiss him and say "Talk to you soon, see you later. Love you." Never in the years we were together did I ever say good bye. That day was the first only only time I did. I can't remember if we hugged, I knew I wanted to tell him one more time I love him. At some point everything had became a blur. When he stood up, I took him in. I remember taking a deep breath smelling his cologne. I remember looking over his face and taking in his voice. I don't remember what he said, but I remember thinking I never want to forget it.
Two years prior to our relationship ending, my grandmother passed on. (This was one of those times I don't know what I would have done without him.) My emotions were the same as the ones I felt the day I found her deceased... except this man was walking out of my life because I was sending him out of my life and he wouldn't be there to comfort me. Although we never lived together, our lives intermingled in so many ways. It was if we had become one, perhaps that is why I still struggle at times.
This week has been so hard. It kind of felt like the first year after loosing my grandmother. I suppose I will end this post here with this... I don't know what is to come in my life, but I do know what I did was right. I prayed so much, God gave me the peace I needed. I still rely on the Bible verse about all things work together for good to them that love the Lord. (paraphrased Romans 8:28). If you have read through, this has been all kinds of therapeutic. My heart is somewhat lighter now and hopefully I can fall asleep.
I promise the next post will be all about quilting and not my crazy life!
A picture of the bench. This was taken in the garage after I reupholstered.
As always, drop a note in the comments. Thanks!